Dear You


Today, at exactly 3:22 in the morning, I had quite a weird (but vivid) dream. In my dream, you were helplessly mad because I brought a friend in a family gathering of ours. You were telling me how unfair I was because we already had a conversation before to wait, yet I was allowing somebody to be with me (talk about the feeling of “parang binabakuran”, hehe!). In my dream, I wanted to tell you that it wasn’t what you think about and that, the male friend I had with me was simply just a friend. When I asked you why you were reacting that way, you quieted for a while then told me, “Can’t you understand? Can’t action speaks louder than words?”

It was quite funny. I woke up then checked my phone beside me. When it read it was just past three in the morning, I slept back. I was hoping against hope that, somehow, my dream would be continued into another time. It wasn’t. I woke up today at past ten with quite a hopeful yet disappointed heart  (what an irony!) Perhaps, I just miss you. Or maybe, there is some hidden thoughts inside the sub-conscious state of my mind that it became visually enhanced in my dreams. Somehow, I know that my heart, perhaps, just want to hear those same words, those same actions. Nevertheless, it is a dream for what it is: the hidden notions, sighs, whims, hopes and hope-nots that I cannot simply divulge in the open. Maybe, those are my hidden thoughts about you…or about us – one that my conscious mind can “control” but my sleeping self cannot. I guess, that was also the time I decided to keep silent about it.

As you know, it has been two quarters since a lot has changed. The proximity. The time used to be spent with each other. The endless chats over cups of coffee. The movies we both watched together. The conversations in between our long walks together. The surprises we discovered.  Our “battles” together as friends. The joys and the pains of this friendship. The discovery, that somehow, there is someone out there who can appreciate you for who you are in spite of, despite of, no buts nor ifs. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I could have said “nagtatampo na ako!” I could have asked you for the umpteenth time, knowing that I would receive the same answers. I could have cried (because I did) again every night – asking myself, then asking God with my constant droning of “why?”.

But then again, I also decided that I would not sulk on this forever. I decided that the best way to move forward was – and still is – to choose to be joyful about every circumstances, whether good or bad. This, I said, would be one of the worst, most painful yet one of my best moments, too.

I chose to be joyful. I chose to be happy – even if it means just seeing you from afar or conversing with you for a few minutes. Those quick snapshots of our moments together could somehow make my heart beats so wildly that only another thought can “distract” it.

I want to write something to you, but I do not have the courage yet…

How ironic when even if you have known me to be quite outspoken, I can always allow myself to be bolder in thoughts while deep inside, I am but a coward to really voice them out. I guess, there are times when silence can really fill in the gaps or when it is merely an avenue for somebody to “speak” out what one has to say…

Because I miss you so much…